Nope, it’s not a belated April Fools’ joke: Today’s Quotes of the Week compilation really does boast nearly 30 (!) of the small screen’s latest, greatest bon mots.
In the list below, we’ve gathered more than two dozen of television’s most memorable sound bites from the past seven days, including moments both scripted and unscripted from broadcast, cable and streaming series.
This time around, we’ve got Young Sheldon‘s potential foreshadowing of its eventual series finale, a role-play suggestion from Ghosts‘ Trevor that Hetty has tired of fielding, helpful (and edible!) legal advice from Yellowjackets‘ Misty, and four extremely meaningful words from Chicago P.D.‘s Ruzek to Burgess.
Also featured in this week’s roundup: double doses of Ted Lasso, The Voice, Succession and How I Met Your Father‘s midseason finale, plus a rare triple dose, this time from the already-renewed Night Agent‘s binge-drop on Netflix.
Scroll through the list below to see all of our picks for the week, then hit the comments and tell us if we missed any of your faves!
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YOUNG SHELDON
Image Credit: CBS screenshot “We’re not getting divorced.”
“Yeah, over my dead body!”
“Yeah, that’s exactly how it’s going to end.”
It doesn’t take a genius to see that the Big Bang prequel is trolling us at this point
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TED LASSO
Image Credit: Apple TV+ screenshot “F—k yeah, Princess Diaries!”
We love how enthusiastic Roy (Brett Goldstein) is about Trent Crimm’s pick for favorite Julie Andrews movie
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TED LASSO (Bonus Quote!)
Image Credit: Courtesy of Apple TV+ “You thought I was the best?”
“I mean, you still could be if you weren’t such a pre-Madonna.”
“Did you just call me a ‘pre-Madonna’?”
“Yeah.”
“It’s prima donna. Who the f—k says ‘pre-Madonna’? What the f—k does that even mean?”
“It means before Madonna, female vocalists didn’t have to work that hard.”
“Are you mad? You never heard of Tina Turner? F—king Stevie Nicks?”
“F—k you!”
Jamie (Phil Dunster) gives Roy (Brett Goldstein) both a vocabulary and a music lesson
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PARTY DOWN
Image Credit: Starz screenshot “It’s opening night! I wanted to give you an opening night party. Congratulations.”
“This is great. This is lovely… wait, do I have to work this?”
Henry (Adam Scott) is confused when Evie (Jennifer Garner) hires Party Down catering to celebrate his high school play
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AMERICAN IDOL
Image Credit: ABC screenshot “Well, this is a good place to put all the voices in your head.”
Katy Perry finds an alternative use for one contestant’s plethora of puppets
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CHICAGO MED
Image Credit: NBC screenshot “Will and Grace… It has a nice, familiar ring to it.”
“If I’m correct, they were just friends.”
Hannah (Jessy Schram) remarks on Will’s (Nick Gehlfuss) interest in their colleague Grace
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THE NIGHT AGENT (Episode 3)
Image Credit: Netflix screenshot (2) “Farr was the only one who knew where we were! You said it yourself.”
“I’m just trying to consider all the angles, OK?”
“Occam’s razor said there’s only one angle — the conniving bitch angle.”
Rose (Luciane Buchanan) nudges Peter (Gabriel Basso) to further scrutinize his boss
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THE NIGHT AGENT (Episode 6)
Image Credit: Netflix screenshot “Worst. Car chase. Ever.”
Tailing Peter and Rose, Ellen (Eve Harlow) would kill to be going faster
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THE NIGHT AGENT (Episode 10)
Image Credit: Netflix screenshot “I keep wondering how someone could do any of this. Lie and kill and still sleep at night? But you’ve convinced yourself that this ‘Sun Tzu f—ks Machiavelli’ philosophy was the way to go.”
Rose (Luciane Buchanan) has harsh words for one of the bad guys
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SNOWFALL
Image Credit: FX screenshot “You are the devil. You know that?”
“Yeah, I know.”
Louie’s (Angela Lewis) tense exchange with Franklin (Damson Idris) at Jerome’s funeral makes it clear that there will always be bad blood between these two
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STATION 19
Image Credit: ABC screenshot “You’re like a big-time nerd.”
“We prefer the term history buffs. It gives us fewer flashbacks of being stuffed into lockers.”
Andy (Jaina Lee Ortiz) learns that semantics matter to new suitor Eli (Rob Heaps)
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GHOSTS
Image Credit: CBS screenshot “We can role-play. Maybe you’re a mermaid, and I’m the co-owner of a wholesale fruit and vegetable business.”
“We’re not doing Splash! Stop asking!”
Trevor (Asher Grodman) and Hetty (Rebecca Wisocky) discuss their secret relationship
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THE VOICE
Image Credit: NBC screenshot “I’ve gotta be honest, I don’t know that song at all… I don’t think I’ve ever been around while that song was playing. I don’t think anybody that I know knows that song, but… I think you guys did it justice?”
Chance the Rapper struggles to comment on a couple of contestants’ rendition of Tom Petty and Stevie Nicks’ “Stop Draggin’ My Heart Around”
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THE VOICE (Bonus Quote!)
Image Credit: NBC screenshot “This is the best picture we could come up with of Kelly [Clarkson]. And I remember this, because she actually said to me, ‘Hey, throw me a Skittle.’”
Blake Shelton sizes up his fellow coach’s official portrait
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THE REAL HOUSEWIVES ULTIMATE GIRLS TRIP
Image Credit: Peacock screenshot “Who doesn’t want these little honeys rubbing the soot off your papaya? This is a money maker.”
Despite Gizelle’s doubts, Marysol thinks she could monetize her little piggies in a big way on OnlyFans
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RABBIT HOLE
Image Credit: Paramount+ screenshot “You’ll have to excuse me, I’m very busy doing anything other than this.”
John (Kiefer Sutherland) puts an end to Agent Madi’s insinuations
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AMERICAN AUTO
Image Credit: NBC screenshot “Let’s put a Kardashian into a Payne [car]. First choice, Kim. Second choice… the other ones.”
Katherine (Ana Gasteyer) brainstorms ideas to shake up the company’s image
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SUCCESSION
Image Credit: HBO screenshot “What would happen if a marriage, such as mine — and even, in fact, mine — were to falter to the point of failure?”
“If you and Shiv were to bust up?”
“Right… whatever happens, we’ll always be good, right?”
“If we’re good, we’re good.”
“Well, that’s… heartening. I’m heartened by that. That’s great.”
Tom (Matthew Macfadyen) attempts to awkwardly put a positive spin on Logan’s (Brian Cox) rather unconvincing assurance
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SUCCESSION (Bonus Quote!)
Image Credit: HBO screenshot “It’s a sad, sad day when love dies.”
Reigning snarkmeister Roman (Kieran Culkin) expresses faux despair when sister Shiv confirms that she is divorcing Tom
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RIDE
Image Credit: Hallmark Channel screenshot “And now Cash is the next McMurray caught in your crosshairs, huh?”
“Last I heard, he’s the only one available since you’re off chasing cowboys.”
“Oh, they chase me, darlin’, which is more than I can say for you.”
Tuff (Jake Foy) puts scheming Janine (Alexandra Beaton) in her place
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GREY’S ANATOMY
Image Credit: ABC screenshot “At first they tell us not to have sex at all and that we’re sluts if we enjoy it. And then they tell us, if we get pregnant, we must carry the baby no matter what, and once we’re mothers, whether by force or by choice, they judge us for that, too, because there’s certainly no way to be a perfect mother. So as women, we get judged and attacked for every decision we ever make. You want to know the upside of this misogyny, this patriarchy? Women become invisible around the age of 60, and then you can do whatever the hell you like — including having a lot of great sex — because no one cares. And now I have an antibiotic and no regrets except perhaps for waiting so long to live my best life.”
Telling it like it is, Jules’ roommate Max (Juliet Mills) finds a silver lining in her gonorrhea diagnosis
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THE CHALLENGE: WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP
Image Credit: Paramount+ screenshot “Everybody wanted to be on The Challenge, now you’re on the f—king Challenge. Let’s go!”
Former champ Jordan Wiseley loses his cool at deliberation when the global MVPs can’t decide who to nominate for elimination
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HOW I MET YOUR FATHER
Image Credit: Hulu screenshot (2) “Zamn, Zaddy! Your skin is golden! It’s like the flesh of a sun-dappled peach on a late Sunday evening.”
Charlie (Tom Ainsley) comes out a wee bit too strong with Sophie’s new boyfriend Robert
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HOW I MET YOUR FATHER (Bonus Quote!)
Image Credit: Hulu screenshot “If there’s one thing you should know about me, it’s that I love a weird challenge.”
Barney Stinson (Neil Patrick Harris) hasn’t changed a bit since How I Met Your Mother
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YELLOWJACKETS
Image Credit: Showtime screenshot “The only thing you should ever say to the police is: ‘I want my lawyer.’ That’s why I put it on the cookie!”
Misty (Christina Ricci) comes up with a delicious way to help Shauna remember to keep mum during an interrogation
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CHICAGO P.D.
Image Credit: NBC screenshot “I’m proud of you.”
Ruzek (Patrick John Flueger) gives Burgess positive affirmation for how smoothly she handled being shot at amid her PTSD struggles
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