‘Sonic the Hedgehog 3’ Reviewed By Two Kids

Going to the movies is no longer my favorite part of going to the movies.

At least not when I go with my two daughters, who are now nine and seven years old, respectively. When I started taking them to press screenings, our conversations were so stimulating and funny (or they just roasted me so brutally) that I decided to start recording and sharing them. The pair quickly became my favorite critics of children’s movies. (I will admit their review of The Brutalist was not that great.)

Previously, we have “reviewed” films like Paw Patrol: The Mighty Movie, Despicable Me 4, and Wicked. This weekend, my entire family went to the theater to watch Sonic the Hedgehog 3 as part of my older daughter’s birthday. What follows is a lightly edited transcript of our conversation about the film. (The only things I changed or removed were a few mild spoilers.)

Dad: So what did you think of the movie?

9 Year Old: Good.

Dad: Did you like it more than the other Sonics?

9 Year Old: I feel like, um, Tails plays a bigger role in the second movie.

Dad: Yeah, he definitely wasn’t as big a part this time. Was that upsetting?

9 Year Old: Yes.

7 Year Old: I forget the second movie. What happened again?

Dad: The second movie introduced Tails and Knuckles. Tails was Sonic’s friend and Knuckles was the new enemy. But then they all became friends at the end. And in this one, they’re a team. But Shadow is the new bad guy. You think Shadow will become friends with Sonic in the next one?

9 Year Old: [huffs] They already did, Dad.

Dad: Oh sorry.

READ MORE: Jim Carrey Reveals Why He Un-Retired From Acting For Sonic 3

Dad: What did you think of Shadow?

9 Year Old: He’s dark!

Dad: [laughs] He is dark.

7 Year Old: I liked when Tails says “What did you do?” And then Sonic says “I don’t know, I do a lot of things!”

Dad: That was a funny line. Does that remind you of anyone?

[7 Year Old points at 9 Year Old]

9 Year Old: Yo baby! [laughs]

Mom: I’m just confused because Grandpa Eggman … wouldn’t Maria be Robotnik’s mom?

Dad: I was a little confused about that myself.

Mom: Right?

Dad: Nobody seems to ask any questions about how this family is related, that’s for sure. And Maria was definitely too young to have kids. She was three years older than you.

9 Year Old: 12? That’s a little older than me.

Mom: That’s a lot older than you.

Dad: So much older.

Mom: Like, many many years.

Dad: You know which part I liked? When Dr. Robotnik and his grandfather started dancing for no reason.

7 Year Old: Oh! With the lasers!

Dad: Yeah, they had suits that protected them from the lasers so they could just dance through them. Remind me in a few years to tell you about a movie called Ocean’s 12.

7 Year Old: Ocean what?

Dad: Don’t worry about it.

Mom: [deep, exhausted sigh] Jim Carrey.

Dad: There was a lot of Jim Carrey. Double the Jim Carrey! That’s why I liked it.

9 Year Old: I also liked when Eggman’s assistant asked Shadow to go back to their ship and he says they’d make guacamole.

Dad: Yes, you laughed really hard when Shadow said “Revenge guac.”

9 Year Old: [laughs] “Revenge guac.”

7 Year Old: What’s revenge guac?

Dad: Just a silly thing to say.

7 Year Old: I thought they were going to make a weapon out of guacamole? I had no idea what they meant.

Dad: I would love to be hit by a weapon of guacamole. It sounds delicious.

Mom: Why didn’t they have that on the menu [at the Alamo Drafthouse]? You could have eaten it.

Dad: That would have been a good idea.

9 Year Old: Dad, what if it’s poisonous guacamole and then you eat it?

Dad: Then I would die. Because I would definitely eat it. I love guacamole.

7 Year Old: I thought of another favorite part.

Dad: Yes, what was it?

7 Year Old: Remember when they were watching TV and Shadow said “She should kill both of them!”?

Dad: Oh that’s right, the telenovela. That was funny too.

7 Year Old: [imitates Keanu Reeves] “She should just kill them both!”

Dad: Okay, it’s a little creepy when you say it like that.

7 Year Old: [even more dark and scary Keanu Reeves imitation] “She should kill them both!”

Dad: Ahhhh!

Dad: Who is the best Sonic character?

7 Year Old: I don’t know.

9 Year Old: I do, it’s Tails.

Mom: I liked Knuckles.

Dad: I liked Knuckles too.

9 Year Old: [imitates Idris Elba] “Actually Sonic, I would like to fight.”

Mom: [imitates Idris Elba] “In case of emergency, break glass.”

Dad: [imitates Idris Elba] “He’s much more impressive than the last hedgehog I fought!”

7 Year Old: [imitates Ben Schwartz] “Dude, I’m standing right here!”

Dad: Exactly.

7 Year Old: Okay, the funniest character is Sonic.

Dad: That was a good impression of him. There are a lot of fun characters to imitate in this movie. Maybe that’s the secret to a good kids movie.

7 Year Old: [imitates Jim Carrey] “In the saggy flesh!”

Dad: What do you think the message of the movie was?

9 Year Old: You can’t let anger control you.

Dad: I like that. Were there any other good lessons in there?

7 Year Old: No matter how many sad things happen, don’t let the madness take over.

Dad: That’s a good lesson too.

9 Year Old: Also, you can’t do everything yourself. Sonic tries to save everyone by himself, but it only made things worse.

7 Year Old: No matter how angry you get, it’s not going to solve your problem.

Dad: I mean, that’s true right? Would Maria want Grandpa Eggman to blow up the earth?

7 Year Old: No! You should try to make the world better. You don’t just destroy the earth, including yourself!

Dad: One question I had, maybe you guys can explain this to me. Doctor Robotnik loves to lick one of Sonic’s electric, uh, what are those things called? Quills? Why does he like to do that?

7 Year Old: I think he likes the power.

Dad: Okay. So he’s doing that to juice himself up?

7 Year Old: Maybe he thinks it might give him Sonic’s powers?

9 Year Old: [sighs] He’s just weird, Dad.

Dad: He’s just a weirdo, okay, got it.

7 Year Old: Oh! Another funny part! Well, funny but also kind of weird. Eggman took the spike from Sonic and he poked Grandpa Eggman in the butt with it.

Dad: Oh, right. He electrocuted his grandfather’s tushy.

7 Year Old: [laughs hysterically]

Dad: I have to say: I always expect your sister to laugh at stuff like that. But I would look over at you guys during this movie, and you know who was laughing the most at people getting poked in the tushy? [points at 7 Year Old] You! You were into the tushy jokes.

9 Year Old: I’m getting too old for that.

Dad: [laughs] You’re too old for tushy jokes?

9 Year Old: Do not say those words in front of me.

Dad: Oh okay. What about fart jokes? Are you too old for fart jokes?

9 Year Old: Well … I might have laughed a little if Eggman farted and blew Grandpa Eggman away.

Dad: That would have been funny?

9 Year Old: Actually, Eggman poking Grandpa Eggman in the tushy, and then Grandpa Eggman farting would have been funny.

Dad: So you have script notes now. You think that’s what they should have done?

9 Year Old: I mean, this is a children’s movie.

Dad: So that would be inappropriate? But you’re the one suggesting it and you’re a child!

9 Year Old: I am not child! Do not call me that!

Dad: What are you?

9 Year Old: I’m a tween!

Dad: Oh, you’re a tween. I’m sorry.

7 Year Old: I like poop jokes.

Dad: So would you want to see Sonic 4?

9 Year Old: Yeah … wait, when does Sonic 4 come out?

Dad: I don’t know. But it sure looks like they are going to make one based on that ending.

9 Year Old: They can’t leave it hanging like that.

Dad: That’s right.

9 Year Old: [long pause] So when will it come out?

Dad: I really don’t know! Maybe in two or three years?

9 Year Old: [exasperated sigh]